


Weddings Or Condoms?

by Lady_Blade_WarAngel



Series: Adventures of The Crazy [4]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Fluff and Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-13
Updated: 2014-11-13
Packaged: 2018-02-25 05:12:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2609768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Blade_WarAngel/pseuds/Lady_Blade_WarAngel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brienne and Jaime have been together for 3 years, when a doctor's appointment forces Jaime and Brienne to discuss contraception, with insane results.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Weddings Or Condoms?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [JustAGirl24](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAGirl24/gifts).



> Okay, so thanks to JustAGirl24’s fic “Check Please” this came into my head. I know I’m weird, but hopefully you will all enjoy this little piece of ficlet and that will make up for the weirdness.

Weddings Or Condoms?

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Jaime and Brienne had been dating for about three years when the subject came up. They lived together, worked together, and they were basically happy. They were sat in front of the TV, an episode of American Horror Story was playing when Brienne, her face bright red, bought the subject up.

“Jaime, I know we fuck like rabbits on a regular basis, but... my implant is coming out in a week......” Brienne trailed off. Jaime blinked and stared at Brienne with wide eyes.

“Implant?” Jaime asked.

“You know. That tiny device that women get put in their arms to prevent them getting knocked up?” Brienne questioned. Jaime blinked.

“I know. I just... never thought about it before.” Jaime replied.

“Well I’m letting you know because we... you... I mean...” Brienne trailed off. Her face going redder. Jaime grinned at Brienne’s red face.

“Are you planning to get another implant?” Jaime asked her, watching as Brienne’s face turned even more red.

“Well... yes, but the doctor said that I couldn’t have it done for three months because I’ve had the damn thing in for three years, and they will only put a new implant in when... well...” Brienne uttered.

“So what you’re saying is we need to get condoms.” Jaime stated. Brienne nodded. “Okay. I’ll get some.” Jaime said. Brienne nodded, her face still bright red.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Jaime frowned to himself as Tyrion decided to walk into Jaime’s office.

“Jaime you seem disturbed.” Tyrion stated. Jaime shrugged.

“I get this feeling that Brienne doesn’t want kids.” Jaime said. Tyrion frowned.

“What makes you say that?” Tyrion asked. Jaime explained everything to Tyrion and Tyrion merely grinned.

“Just because she doesn’t want kids yet doesn’t mean she doesn’t want them at all Jaime. Have you ever considered she may not know if _you_ want kids?” Tyrion shot back. Jaime blinked.

“I never thought about it that way.” Jaime said. Tyrion sighed.

“Jaime, you are completely hopeless.” Tyrion stated. Then rifled through his briefcase and threw a box at Jaime. Jaime blinked and picked it up.

“Tyrion? You carry Durex in your fucking briefcase?” Jaime asked in horror. Tyrion shrugged.

“I may not have as much sex as you and Brienne, but I’m not stupid enough to have unprotected sex. What with me never staying long term in a relationship, condoms are really the only way to go.” Tyrion replied. Jaime blinked and looked down at the box of Durex condoms.

“This is a box of like... a hundred condoms! How much sex do you have?” Jaime asked. Tyrion made to answer but Jaime shook his head. “You know what? I don’t want to know. But thanks for the condoms.” Jaime replied. Tyrion grinned and walked out of Jaime’s office.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Jaime went home and saw Brienne sat on the couch looking rather irritable.

“What’s wrong?” Jaime asked her.

“You try having a doctor make an incision in your arm and pull out a piece of plastic.” Brienne replied. Jaime sat next to her on the couch and hugged her around her shoulders with one arm, making sure not to squeeze because he didn’t know what arm the implant had been removed from and he didn’t want to hurt her.

“Well I got condoms, so whenever you’re ready we can use them.” Jaime said cheerfully. Brienne snorted her amusement and just leaned her head on Jaime’s shoulder while they sat and watched _Penny Dreadful_ on TV.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

“What?” Brienne exclaimed loudly. The doctor looked at Brienne.

“I’m afraid I can’t put the implant in Miss Tarth.” The doctor said, her face serious.

“It’s been three months.” Brienne questioned.

“It has.” The doctor agreed.

“Then why can I not have the implant put in?” Brienne asked. The doctor looked deeply uncomfortable.

“Well... because you’re pregnant Miss Tarth. I’m afraid it wouldn’t be possible or legal for me to insert the implant when you’re expecting.” The doctor said. Brienne gaped like a fish at the doctor.

“I don’t... I...” Brienne was in complete and utter shock.

“I’m assuming you are... engaged... in sexual activity?” The doctor asked. Brienne nodded.

“Well... yes... I have a boyfriend... but we were using condoms...” Brienne trailed off. The doctor nodded.

“They don’t work all the time Miss Tarth. It’s why we usually recommend the pill or the implant to prevent pregnancy.” The doctor said. Brienne just blinked in utter shock.

“Um... what happens now?” Brienne asked.

“Well that’s entirely up to you Miss Tarth. I’d go and talk to your boyfriend and see what you both want to do. We’d need to perform a scan to see how far along you are. Of course if you wished to have a termination.” The doctor was cut off by Brienne shaking her head.

“No! I mean... I don’t really believe in that...” Brienne trailed off.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Jaime was working on some files when his office door opened and he looked up to see Brienne.

“Brienne? Are you okay?” Jaime asked as Brienne closed the door. Brienne looked anxious. “How did it go at the doctors?” Jaime asked.

“They can’t give me the implant.” Brienne said softly. Jaime blinked.

“Why not?” Jaime asked.

“Because apparently I’m pregnant.” Brienne replied. Jaime couldn’t help grinning, but stopped himself and stood up to sit beside Brienne where she’d taken a seat on the two seater couch in his office.

“Brienne... if this is something you don’t want...” Jaime trailed off. Brienne looked up at him.

“It’s not... it’s not that I don’t want kids. I just... I didn’t know if you wanted them or if either of us are even ready for them...” Brienne trailed off as well. Jaime blinked.

“Well I’d personally love to have your babies. I hope the kid has your eyes.” Jaime said. Brienne allowed a small laugh to escape her.

“You’re not the one having them, I am, but for what it’s worth, I’d love to have your babies too.” Brienne said. Jaime laughed.

“So... we’re having a baby?” Jaime asked. Brienne shrugged.

“I guess we are.” Brienne replied.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Brienne and Jaime were both anxious as they looked at the gathered Lannister Baratheon family, one month later. They knew they were better off just telling all of them at once and getting it over with. After all, that meant less time spent around most of them. Tyrion being the only one that both Jaime and Brienne could stand. Cersei and Robert sat at the table, Cersei with a glum look on her face. Joffrey was sat in a highchair beside Cersei throwing mashed potatoes on the floor. Tywin was... Tywin... of course. Tyrion had brought his latest girlfriend with him, Shae something or other. Brienne wanted to hit Jaime for making her do this.

“We asked you all here today because we have something to tell you.” Jaime said.

“Are you finally getting married?” Tywin asked. Cersei choked on air and Robert snorted in amusement. Tyrion stayed completely silent.

“That’s... not something we’ve discussed quite yet sir.” Brienne replied softly.

“You’re breaking up?” Cersei asked, almost hopefully. Jaime glared at her.

“No we’re not breaking up.” Brienne stated firmly.

“We’re having a baby.” Jaime added. Robert and Cersei both spat out what they were drinking. Tywin stared in silence and Tyrion cackled like an evil witch.

“Finally! I’ll have minions!” Tyrion exclaimed gleefully. Tywin looked at Jaime and Brienne.

“You plan to have a child out of wedlock?” Tywin asked. Brienne and Jaime both felt the panic closing in on them.

“We... really haven’t discussed that yet father...” Jaime trailed off. Tywin looked at them.

“Well you should discuss it. A Lannister does not have children out of wedlock.” Tywin stated. Jaime and Brienne stared at each other and then at everyone else. Tyrion made to speak. “Tyrion don’t bother. Do you know how many women I’ve had to bribe so that there are none of your bastards running around?” Tywin said. Tyrion snorted.

“None. I don’t intend on reproducing anytime soon.” Tyrion replied. Of course this turned into a dispute between the Lannister family, whilst Jaime and Brienne just watched in horror.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

“So?” Jaime questioned later that night.

“So?” Brienne questioned back.

“Well... would you like to get married Brienne?” Jaime asked her. Brienne looked at him. “I can completely understand if you didn’t want to. My family are insane, and Cersei is a complete bitch to you.” Jaime said, a slight blush spread along the tops of his cheeks.

“Cersei is a bitch to everyone. That’s not new information.” Brienne said. “But are you asking because you actually _want_ to get married? Or are you asking because ‘Lannisters do not have children out of wedlock’ and you want to please your father?” Brienne asked, mimicking Tywin almost perfectly. Jaime laughed.

“Actually I’d very much like to marry you, baby or not, crazy family or not. At the same time I don’t want you thinking I only want to marry you because you’re pregnant or because my father demands it.” Jaime replied. Brienne shook her head, an amused smile on her face.

“I’ll think about it.” Brienne said. Then she laid down in their bed and went to sleep, leaving Jaime wondering on her answer.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

The next morning, Jaime heard a stream of curses, broken by vomiting. Jaime blinked as he got up and walked to the bathroom. Brienne seemed to be praying to porcelain seven in the most colourful way.

“Are you... alright?” Jaime asked her, a little unsure himself. Brienne looked up at him, bleary eyed and miserable.

“I’m fine Jaime.” She said miserably. Jaime was not convinced, and Brienne must have been able to tell by the look on his face. “It’s just morning sickness Jaime.” Brienne said. Jaime knew. He did know. After all, Brienne had been suffering with it for the last two weeks. But today it seemed particularly violent and Brienne looked particularly miserable. So Jaime went downstairs to get Brienne a glass of water and called work.

 **“Hello.”** Jaime heard Tyrion reply on the other end.

“We’re not coming in Tyrion. Can you please tell father?” Jaime asked.

 **“Why? Is Brienne alright?”** Tyrion asked. Jaime would have hugged his brother if he’d been standing in front of him, for at least caring about Brienne’s feelings.

“She’s suffering morning sickness and it’s pretty bad today. She says she’s alright, but it might just be that she’s stressed after yesterday.” Jaime said, worrying about the effect that any stress would have on the baby.

 **“Well I’ll tell father and you take care of Brienne and my little minion. Or minions? Who knows? I mean it could be twins. Look at you and Cersei?”** Tyrion stated.

“Don’t make me think about that. I do _not_ want an evil Cersei clone. Besides with Brienne’s genes the kid couldn’t possibly turn out as bad as Cersei.” Jaime replied. Tyrion chuckled.

 **“Exactly. Which is why your children will make perfect minions. All that Lannister smartness with all that Brienne to hate Cersei.”** Tyrion replied. Jaime just sighed.

“Okay I’m going now, to take care of my pregnant girlfriend.” Jaime said. He hung up and went to see Brienne still wasn’t finished being sick. “I called Tyrion. We’ve got the day off.” Jaime said. Brienne blinked.

“Why?” Brienne asked.

“Because you look like you haven’t slept, and you seem more... violently sick than usual. So I thought it would be a good idea for you to stay off and I thought it would be a good idea for me to stay off and look after you.” Jaime said. Brienne nodded, seemingly too exhausted to argue.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

“You know...” Brienne said, that night, curled up in bed against Jaime. “I don’t think it would be so terrible being married to you.” Brienne finished.

“Is that a yes to my terrible proposal?” Jaime asked. Brienne laughed.

“At least it wasn’t some cliché, fireworks and roses and you kneeling on some grassy knoll and holding out a ring, with a diamond the size of my head. It was you.” Brienne replied. Jaime raised a brow at her. “In answer to your question, that was a yes.” Brienne added. Jaime grinned.

“Shall I tell the family, or are you going to?” Jaime asked.

“You can do that. I am not listening to your sister shrieking when you tell her. I do not want the baby thinking that shrieking like a banshee, is an acceptable method of venting. Although I’m sure your father will be happy.” Brienne replied. Jaime nodded his agreement.

“How about when the kid is born we just have absolutely no contact with Cersei until it can form opinions.” Jaime said. Brienne snorted.

“I’d love to, but you know that’s not going to happen.” Brienne said. Jaime shrugged.

“It was worth a try.” Jaime said. Brienne just laughed even more.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Tywin, Tyrion and Cersei were all sat in Jaime’s office when he came in the next day looking at him.

“You asked us here Jaime.” Tywin stated, almost as though Jaime were interrupting important things. Cersei was glaring.

“Can you just hurry up and tell us whatever the hell is going to ruin my life now?” Cersei whinged.

“How is what I say ruining your life?” Jaime asked.

“Because brain bleach hasn’t been invented yet, to scrub my mind of the idea of you and Brienne the beast mating, let alone having children.” Cersei shot back.

“I feel the same way whenever I see Joffrey, so consider it equal payment sister.” Jaime replied. Not adding the fact that Joffrey was an annoying little brat already. Cersei glared fiercely. Jaime looked at Tywin and Tyrion. “You’ll all be pleased to know that Brienne and I have actually discussed marriage and have decided that we should get married.” Jaime said. Cersei, Tyrion and Jaime were all horrified when Tywin actually smiled.

“That’s brilliant! I shall finally have legitimate Lannister grandchildren! I must set up a trust fund straight away!” Tywin stated gleefully as he stood up. Cersei glared.

“You didn’t set up a trust fund for Joffrey!” Cersei exclaimed.

“He’s not a Lannister.” Tywin replied, then left the room. Cersei shrieked angrily and then stomped out of Jaime’s office in a rage. Tyrion just grinned.

“Congratulations brother. I hope there will be free alcohol at the reception even though your bride will not be able to drink. Does this mean I have to start calling Brienne sister? Oh I’m going to love doing that in front of Cersei! I think I’m going to practise right now!” Tyrion stated, his own face gleeful and grinning as he left Jaime’s office. Jaime blinked, looking disturbed, before he went back to his paperwork.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx 

“I have to admit I underestimated you. Your plan worked perfectly.” Tywin said. Tyrion merely grinned.

“Of course it did. I am a genius, or so I’ve been told since I started reading at the age of two. I do happen to think up some good plans when I feel like it.” Tyrion replied.

“How did you bribe the doctor to not give her the implant for so long?” Tywin asked.

“I just hacked into the computer and put all the relevant warnings on there.” Tyrion replied.

“I probably shouldn’t ask you this question, but neither your brother, nor Miss Tarth are stupid, at least Miss Tarth had better not be stupid, what with her carrying the next heir to our house.” Tywin stated. “So how in the Seven Hells did you manage to stop them using... contraception?” Tywin asked. Tyrion just grinned widely.

“I didn’t.” Tyrion replied. Tywin’s eyebrows shot up into his nonexistent hairline. “I gave Jaime a rather large box of joke condoms. They had tiny holes in them. Not big enough for either of them to notice, but enough for them to conceive. The fact that they were also covered in apple scented lube masked the fact there wasn’t any sperm killer on them.” Tyrion replied. Tywin screwed his mouth up, like he’d just bitten into a lemon.

“I don’t want to know anymore.” Tywin stated. “Leave.” He finished. Tyrion got up from where he sat and went to the office door. Before he opened it Tywin stopped him. “Good work Tyrion.” Tywin added. Tyrion blinked and then left the office and went to his own. He picked up his phone and sent out a single text.

_**Plan for minions is an official success. J/B wedding happening.** _

Tyrion sent it. Then a message came back.

**_Tyrion, you beautiful genius. I will probably still be squealing about this when Brienne actually tells me. So she’ll think I’m terribly surprised._ **

Tyrion grinned, before texting back.

**_Don’t worry Margaery. The trouble will come when we want them to have more children to be our minions._ **

Another text came back quickly.

**_We have our ways. I’m sure it’ll work out with the two of us on the case. I’ll see you for lunch in half an hour?_ **

Tyrion grinned widely.

**_Oh definitely. I’ll see you in half an hour for lunch._ **

Tyrion typed back. Then sat back in his desk chair grinning, thinking of the future filled with cute little minions.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay I hope you enjoyed this. I enjoyed writing it. It was funny in my head. No smut, but I hope the fluff makes up for it. LOL! Please comment and let me know what you all thought. I love to hear from all of you. (nods)


End file.
